For artists who live with one foot in art and the other in survival

October 28, 2024

The Question of Success

How many of you have achieved success in your field?
If you are a singer, are you supporting yourself with the job?
If you are an artist, is the job feeding you?

Famous actors, full time artists, successful guitarists, all these fancy jobs are what others ever dreamed of as well. Unfortunately, these positions you are eager to sit on have a limited T.O. Hence, most of potential or emerging artists are living their life as having their feet on two different worlds. One is for chasing their dream, another is for earning money to survive. And they console their soul muttering, 'this is not my real job.'

Photo by © Christine Bae

A Modest Dream

As an unknown artist, I'm never different either. The only thing I wanted was that someday I could pay the bills with my painting. Such a small wish. However, why is it so difficult? If I wait for two more years, will I have the life I knew I would?

The wish, the hope that I wondered for my whole life never came true and the expectation that I assumed it will end, in two more years, never completed.
Years passed with a sigh and I found myself reaching middle age. Stubbornly, I found myself I was still searching for meaning in art. Sadly, I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Harsh Realization

At this point, it's time to give up and I should have realized I'm not a genius at all.
The day will never come and I will end my life with regret.
This is fucking love.
I’ve loved something that never loved me back.
And I still can’t forget what I should’ve let go.

Photo by © Christine Bae

Picking Myself Up

There was a time when I fell into a state of sorrow. But after a while, I was able to raise myself up.
Coincidentally, I found that I realized there are more days to live; which means, I have more time to try.
In the long journey of fighting against myself, the one thing I longed for is to listen to was just the one phrase.
'you are not alone.'
And I used to mumble to myself.
'Just say something. Please tell me you are not alone.'
I wondered if I was the only one who had this struggle. I knew there must be someone like me somewhere. But I couldn't find anyone around me.

Looking Around

A friend of mine who graduated from university with me has climbed the cooperation ladder very well, and has become an executive at a top-tier IT company despite graduating from art school.
A friend of mine who had a good connection with a gallery became a very famous painter.
My friend with the pretty face was living a comfortable and luxurious life with a rich husband.

Photo by © Christine Bae
So what did I become?
I've become someone who likes to write alone in the corner of a room, someone who likes to paint quietly in a cubicle. It's a terrible price to pay for believing that going slow is a good thing.

The Weight of Expectations

My family used to say this to me in a sarcastic way at every opportunity.
“You went to a good college, but it didn't matter. ”
They even say that when I'm not good at backing my car.
I don't understand the connection between not being able to reverse a car and a college degree.

From a young age, I was surrounded by expectations and told I would grow up to be something great, but now I feel like I'm living a life less than my average siblings.
It is hard to define what constitutes a good life and what constitutes a bad life, but at least it's clear when you compare it with so-called standards of society.

What Count as Failure?

Let me ask you a question here.
If I graduate from harvard and I don't become an important part of society, have I failed? (But I didn't go to harvard)
One thing's for sure, it's not a school you go to become a daydreamer, at least not yet.
So what are we supposed to console ourselves with when we think we are off the grid? Are people who live unfulfilled lives losers?
No, absolutely not. I never wanted to define my life that way. It would break my heart to say that - 'yes'.

A Line That Saved Me

If so, I needed a reason to say it wasn't, and even if it was, I needed an excuse that it wasn't a wasted life. In the midst of this desperate struggle, I found this quote.

'Man wanders as long as they strives' - Goethe

After all, we are all trying. right?
People will ask, "striving for what?"
And I'll say, "Striving for love"

Holding On to Love

Some people find it hard to keep a love alive and give up on it, others choose a different path. Is it a fool's love to hold on to a love you still can't get over?
To find the answer, I sit on the green grass and wonder.
'What went wrong?'
But on the other hand, Is it true that things really went wrong?

Photo by © Christine Bae

What Are We Really Looking For?

The tens of thousands questions and answers that go back and forth in my head eventually beg to know just one thing. Why are we still trying and what are we trying for?

Why do we love and still finds reasons to love?
Am I the only one like me?
What kind of silly loves do you have?

Thank you for reading

Thanks for reading Christine’s Article
Subscribe for free to receive new posts
and support my work.

I want to chime in and say thank you to all the new subscribers here
and encourage all of my free subscribers to please consider supporting my work here
on christinebae.com with a paid subscription.
For as little as $5 a month or $50 a year, you can help sustain my work here.

Other ways to support my work here include include donating to my paypal account

Author: Christine Bae

Who is Christine Bae?

I’ve been working as a full-time artist for seven years now.
As a professional painter with a passion for collecting great artwork, I’m excited to connect with people who share that same appreciation.

I don’t sell originals online, but I do offer art prints as a way to share my work more widely.
↓↓↓↓↓